In 2002, my husband, Robert, and I lost our oldest son, Joshua, at eight years old, to a rare genetic difference and heart disease. I still remember the day that we stood In the ER, with the chaplain that we did not know, trying to console us. It had been an hour process of life-flighting Joshua to the hospital, working on him, trying to revive him. But I knew his little spirit had left us right there in our van, as we tried to administer CPR, the best we could. He was now far away and in a Secret Sam better place.
We were allowed a few moments alone together. I remember how sweet Joshua still looked, like he was just sleeping, like he would soon wake up and give us that beaming smile and reach out to hug us. His hair formed beautiful, little curls on the back of his neck and I just longed to stay there and play with them, like I had done every night for eight years. I remember my husband looking at me, knowingly and lovingly. We shared these eight years together and no one could ever replace that. We shared the moment we said hello to Joshua, and the moment we said goodbye.
But a new rookie investigator had been told he needed to get the facts on any death, and he invaded our prayers and our time, knocking on the door and demanding we meet with him now. My husband and I did not know what to do so we went with him to answer questions. Then we assumed that our time was up with Joshua, and we left the hospital, hand in hand. That was my last memory of my son. We poured his ashes into the ocean a few weeks later.
Over the last several years, I studied so much about couples in grief and bereavement, trying to prepare myself for the stages that we would walk through. I became educated on the healthiest ways to approach our situation and deal with it effectively and tried to share that with my husband. Of course it did not go over very well. You see I knew what we should be doing but I did not have the omnipotent vision of seeing all of the experiences that my husband carried from his past, or how donate a car to charity experiences affected his abilities to confront this challenge.
I was scrap-booking Joshua's life and writing his story and crying at night , and joining support groups. Robert went back to work and devoted himself to 80-hour work weeks. He would come home in the evening and we would attempt to sedate our pain with wine and Seinfeld. My husband did not need to hear my advice when he was incapable of confronting his pain and fears in the same way that I did. Our tremendous differences in personality only added to the challenges we faced as a married couple, experiencing this loss.
The statistics Comicbooks not really good. There is about a 75% divorce rate after losing a child. Psychologists have tried to narrow grief down to 5 stages, but the only thing that we found truly predictable in grief is that you both will go through painful stages many times over, at different times, and you will respond in entirely different manners, being two opposite personalities. Many months I felt like I was living with a stranger. I really did not know this person, and it was scaring me.
I say now that God has such a sense of humor as he puts two opposites together to "complete" each other. In the beginning I loved Robert's spontaneity and adventure. We eloped and celebrated life and romance. But after 15 years and many habits, we had formed expectations for each other, things we counted on. The trouble with couples in grief, is that they are not just feeling the internal pain from this tragic loss, but they are also realizing their spouse is totally incapable of being there for them, of meeting those former expectations, and lifting them back up anymore. They lost their source.
Realize that your spouse is not your source. God is.
That is where the love of God makes all the difference. The only way we can truly be free from those expectations, is to know that our spouse is not our source. My husband, nor any other human, can possibly fill this void. He is a wonderful companion, but cannot be my redeemer. We both were so consumed with our own pain that we had nothing left to offer each other for quite awhile.
Give your hurt and anger to God, not your spouse.
Joyce Meyers says, Hurting people hurt other people. We found that out quickly. Not just indirectly, by not being available to meet each other's needs, but also directly. I am feeling hurt, so I am going to say hurtful things. You are asking me for things I cannot do or be right now. And so the hurt is exacerbated. We spent many nights ignorantly hurting one another, verbally, just to repel each other from making any more demands.
Just when we would have a miserable night and I would feel that hopelessness for my marriage creeping in, we would rise and go to church and hear a sermon on Expectations. Not just a sermon, but our pastor had to do a "series" on it. I felt like a spotlight was beaming down on us as he spoke directly to us in a crowd of 1600. We were reminded that our relationship was not just two, but three. God was still in our marriage, and wanted to hear from us.
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecc. 4:12 (NIV)
Never let go of hope for the future.
I know the main reason we are still together this day, is our never-ending Hope. So many times I would be reminded of Gods plan for our future and our family, and I always seemed to find that hope again. It was in God. Not in my husband. He is only human, and a hurting human. I would be reminded that regardless of his actions or how much love I am not feeling, my life really was not about me, or my emotions.
That was a hard idea to swallow when I was in so much raw pain. Our instincts tell us to shut down, go to a corner, and lick our wounds for awhile. But that is not what God says.
There is a time to grieve, but I became assured that as I grieved, God was going to help us walk through this valley and to the other side. I did not have to set up camp here. We still had two young boys and family that loved us. We had friends that were trying to reach out and hoping we would show them how. Joshua's life had given us all so much joy that we did not want his memory to remain a despairing one. I would have to keep moving towards hope.
One of our pastors, Kerri Weems, shared a vision that she holds in her heart when she is having trouble accepting her husband in the present. Maybe he is not meeting her expectations at the time. So she looks further down the road to their distant future, when the kids are grown and the pace has slowed down, and she sees them sitting on a front porch together rocking in their rocking chairs laughing and enjoying memories together. It helps her to hold a bigger vision of where they are headed together.
I love that analogy and have used it now for a few years, as we go through occasional seasons where I no longer feel love and I no longer feel loved. The emotions can be lost and full of self and the stresses of dealing with life as two separate individuals.
But in the midst of all of it, I still carry hope. No matter how bad the day can be, I know that my God is a loving God. He is a faithful God. As I start crying out to God again, I can feel my heart softening, and I think of the front porch vision so far off in the future. It keeps getting closer and closer. Those little, petty details that offended me so begin to seem small. I get a bigger vision of our life and family.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us hosting aspnet off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12:1-3
Believe God for renewal.
Sometimes I would mull over this for a few weeks, just wanting to camp in my pity party and self-righteousness for awhile. Poor me. "Why can't he read my mind and know what I need and meet those needs?" "Why can't he even try to learn?" But when I spend time with God enough, I realize who really needs the changing. I know exactly what I should do. I begin to ask God to give me a new love for my husband. The moment that I humble myself and do this again, I know that we are already about 90% back to where we should be. I am somehow able to express love more easily, and miracles start to happen again in our relationship. My husband's heart is softened and the love does return. It is a remarkable, miraculous thing, every time.
Love unconditionally
I mentioned this rocking chair vision to an acquaintance one day, who was telling of her seeming impossible relationship. She said, "You mean the vision that I have where I stick my foot over and tip his rocker right off the porch!?"
There may be some days where I really understand how she feels. Laying down those unrealistic expectations and rebuilding a new relationship on unconditional love was, and is, a challenge. We are still two very different creatures with opposite personalities. Sometimes, as my husband says, we "bug the stew out of each other." It is only because of God's unconditional love for us that we are able to show it to another. Without God, it would be hard to even comprehend "agape" love.
Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything. (I Cor. 13:7)
Keep a thankful heart
Every day provides new opportunities for us all to be offended, and our emotions will always be there to fight for priority. I have to daily seek, read, study and pray to know God better, -understanding His unending love for me here - For better, for worse. He gave His son for me.
I realize how truly blessed I am to have a spouse who is devoted to doing life with me, regardless of our differences, or his own failed expectations. We have come a long way in the past five years, getting ready to celebrate our 20th anniversary. We had to create a new life, with new habits and new expectations (not so lofty) but still respectful and considerate for each other.
I know that in all of it, God has been there to encourage us and guide us, giving us hope for a future.
-A future that includes rocking chairs.
Sophia Dare is an artist, writer and speaker, sharing encouragement and hope through all of the seasons of life. For more information on Sophia's story or to view the gallery visit her site at www.dare2shine.com">www.dare2shine.com or her blog at www.sophiadare.blogspot.com">www.sophiadare.blogspot.com
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